"Boy Erased": After-thoughts

-Aditya Joshi
#BoyErased

The time couldn't have been more right. Today, India celebrates Children's day. And today, I watched this masterpiece of a movie 'Boy erased'. In one sentence, the film is about a gay boy whose Christian preacher father sends him to a conversion therapy centre. The film takes you through 'techniques' at the centre, from shaming to violence, each making you cringe more than the previous. "Fake it till you make it", the teacher at the centre says.

What works about the movie, on the contrary, is that one moment when the fierce mother drives the son out of the centre screaming "Shame on you!" to the teacher. That one line lifts the spirit of the film, turns the mood of the film on its head. When the mother stands up for her son, the viewer heaves a sigh of relief. When a mother tells her gay son that she will shield him from everyone including her husband, you know that everything is going to be alright for the son.

'Boy erased' is a film for parents, to see for themselves, how much their support can turn around the lives of their children. 'Boy erased' is a film for straight family members, to stand up against systematic breaking down of a gay person s self-esteem. When the lesbian girl 'confesses' her sins in the conversion therapy course, you can see her self-esteem shatter to pieces.

Conversion therapies such as these are advertised rampantly in Indian ashrams as well. Boys and girls are trained to stop being gay, to think worse of themselves. An Indian parent who performs hundred background checks on his daughter's prospective groom, tells his son confidently, "Just get married. Once you have a wife, you will be alright!"

We don't need conversion therapy centres. The society does enough to infuse shame within us the gay men. There are those few occasions when the most out among us stay quiet about being gay. And there are those gay men among us who say proudly that they are 'straight-acting'. That's when you know that the societal conversion therapy has worked.

For once, one prays that parents take the steering of their families in their own hands, like the boy's mother in this film who drives her son out of the place. Parents wield the power to empower their boys.

Because when a boy is erased, so is his parent.

-Aditya Joshi

"Bhaiya"

(All names in this post have been changed.)

Source: http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/asaram-rape-victim-shouldve-pleaded-for-mercy/article4283466.ece

According to an article that I read some time ago, a famous celebrity tried to (sadly) put the blame on an assault victim by saying:

Dono ko bolti “Bhaiya! Main abla hoon. Tum mere bhai ho. Dharam ke bhai ho. Bhagwan ka naam lekar haath pakadti, pair pakadti.. itna durachar nahi hota. Galti ek taraf se nahi hoti.” (She should've said, "Brother! I am powerless. You are my brother. Brother by religion." In the name of god, she should've held his hand, touched his feet.... this wouldn't have happened. A mistake is never one-sided) 

"And then Manoj bhaiya held my hand and said, 'Be an adult. Haven't you ever been touched?' I shivered as he tried to explain that what he was doing was right, as I kept quiet constantly remembering that Manoj bhaiya was married already", she had said.

Sushmit closed his eyes tightly shut as he narrated this incident to me. I wiped a long stream of tear running down his cheek, rather meekly.

I had told Sushmit many times that he was like a brother to me. But now, I was unsure. Was I sure that I would conduct myself with dignity around him? Silence ran through my ears. The word 'bhaiya' echoed within me.

When I hear that Manoj attempted to get close to her several times that night, I can hear my faith shatter to pieces. Faith in relationships of every sort. Between a man and a woman that she and Manoj shared - she had agreed to perform at the concert only because her "bhaiya", Manoj "bhaiya" had convinced her to do so. Between a man and a man that Sushmit and I shared - I had always looked at Sushmit as a brother but what the hell - if Manoj could do it to her, there was no other reason that I couldn't have misbehaved with even Sushmit whom I hold in such high regard. Between her and Sushmit - although she had confided in Sushmit this time, how could I be sure that Sushmit wouldn't do anything wrong with her in another incident in the future?

*

I did not deserve it. I did not deserve to hold the distrust towards men around me. She did not deserve it. She did not deserve to be assaulted by a man who she called her "bhaiya" but who, on a lonely night, tried to take advantage of her. He spat in the face of the word "bhaiya" and everything that it stands for, in the context of the culture we all are a part of. He redefined and in a great way, messed up what being a brother to someone means to me and to her.

It's now my responsibility as a brother to her and Sushmit's responsibility as a brother to me and her to prove it to every one of us that not all of us are like Manoj "bhaiya". Some of us do understand what immense responsibility the word "bhaiya" comes with. I wish I can somehow convince her that some people do take the word 'bhaiya' the way it should be.

And I wish I can somehow convince myself just that, in any way possible.